What's This All About?

I’ve been thinking for a very long time about starting a blog to discuss my feelings about the Mormon Church, which is what this will be.  It's also going to be a discussion of navigating my newish calling in the Church as a Sunday School teacher. 

See, I grew up in the Church, but over the past couple of years, I've had growing feelings of disaffection and confusion about my place within it (or outside of it). After years working with the Young Women (girls ages 12-17), I'm now teaching Sunday School. This year we’re studying the Doctrine and Covenants, a series of revelations written by Joseph Smith (and a couple of other early presidents of the Church), which is tricky for me to teach and still feel like I’m maintaining my integrity, to say the least.

Last week, I threw out the lesson completely and did my own based on the scriptures, and a little guidance from Mormon Stories Sunday School.  My plan here is to discuss the lessons I teach, but also talk about Church issues as they come up and I need an outlet to discuss them.  Like a good Mormon, I'm journaling, even through the crappy bits.

 

As I explained to a friend once, my issues with the Church cannot be boiled down to one or two problems, but are rather everything on top of everything. 

Everything on top of everything.

My list is not uncommon for those who, like me, have done a little research and found some unsettling things in Church history.  I always knew about polygamy.  It was talked about fairly often when I was in Young Women’s 20 years ago, but for some reason was easier to dismiss when I didn’t have all of the other issues on top of it.  Also, I didn’t know then about the polyandry and Fanny Alger.  Other issues that bother me include: Book of Mormon historicity, Book of Abraham, varying versions of the First Vision, racial bigotry, Masonic rituals.

More recently, I have felt my soul chafing under gender inequality, the Church’s support of Proposition 8 (and their petulant response to the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Defense of Marriage Act), and the ridiculous extravagance of projects like the City Creek Mall (especially while my inner-city Young Women’s program was operating with a tiny annual budget, supplemented by me and the other YW leaders).

Given all of that, it’s hard to believe that this is the One True Church.  I’ve actually reached a point where I don’t even think that is a thing anymore.  I think there are very good people in the Church, and I have had the opportunity over the last several years to work with some really amazing people, who give their all to serving others.  I have felt what I truly believe is the Spirit confirming to me when things are good and of God, and I’ve felt that many times in the Church.  I’ve also felt it in other churches and other sacred spaces.

 

My husband feels a lot of family pressure not to leave the Church, ever.  I'm not really to the point of leaving yet either.  Frankly, some weeks are worse than others.  Some weeks I just want to scream and run out of the chapel because the cognitive dissonance is too much to bear.  Some weeks I'm glad I'm there and content with my little ward community.

 

It's confusing being in my head right now, so I'm writing about it.