Wednesday, July 31, 2013

News Lately

I'm going to try to do a semi-regular/as it occurs to me post collecting the articles and other links I've read lately about Church matters.  Some of these may be critical of the Church, some not.  Some may be merely observational.  But for whatever reason these links impacted me.

So here we go.

1/8th of an Inch - Are we really using our resources in the best way possible?   (SPOILER: No.)


New Scripture Mastery - As I commented on someone's post about this, with the removal of some scriptures that highlight how we see ourselves as unique (stone rolling forth, baptisms for the dead, other sheep not of this fold, seeing Jesus standing on the right hand of God) I see the Church continuing its trend to make itself seem more like mainstream Christianity.  Someone else noted that memorizing a bunch of scriptures isn't "mastery" per se, but I would argue that although I don't feel like I've mastered the scriptures by a long shot, those 100 scriptures that I learned in Seminary have stuck with me.  To the degree that even in my current scriptures, purchased well after I graduated from high school, I have highlighted those scriptures.  By de-emphasizing certain elements, the Church isn't saying that those things aren't part of the doctrine anymore, just that they're not our focus anymore.  Weren't we supposed to be a peculiar people?  Personally, I'm fine with focusing on Christ and not necessarily the Church and its peculiar doctrines, I just think it's an interesting shift.

My Faith Crises - This really resonated with me, as this author, like me and so many others, feels vastly conflicting emotions when it comes to the Church.  Sometimes I want to just throw up my hands and ask, "What is the point of all of this angst?  Why do I put myself through this?"  Yet, here I am, in the Church, active, teaching.  For now.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Going to the Temple

On Saturday I had the opportunity to go to the temple as the escort for one of my fantastic former Young Women who is leaving on her mission next month.  Her sister went through at the same time and it was such a nice experience being there with them.  I felt so incredibly honored that she asked me.

For the briefest moment I hesitated, though, because of my issues with the Church in general.  Truth be told, I hadn't been to the temple in awhile, except to shepherd youth to do baptisms.  I actually worked in the temple for 2 years, and have a lot of good feelings associated with the temple.  When I went through for the first time, my favorite part was the initiatories (and this was pre-revisions).  I had no problem with what went on, but just felt extremely blessed.  The endowment was also a positive experience for me, and I left that first time bubbling over with a happy feeling.

I got very interested in genealogy and have a stack of blue and pink slips of paper representing my ancestors.  I don't really think that I literally need to have their work done for them.  However, I love the idea of creating this connection across many generations of my family.  As I've become more cynical about Church and the need for temple work, one of the things that has given me cause to mourn has been the loss of the urgency to do this work and connect with my ancestors.

The 2 years I worked in the temple wound up being such a saving grace for me.  A few weeks after my first shift as a temple worker, my longtime boyfriend and I broke up.  Plus, I was having a really hard time in graduate school, not exactly sure what I was doing there.  Working in the temple 2 Saturdays a month gave me a solid 10-12 hours where I could get out of my own head and focus on the patrons at the temple.  I saw that calling as an opportunity to ensure that the people I came into contact with were having a stress-free, uplifting experience.  In the process, I felt uplifted too.

There are, of course, problematic issues in the temple, which I have become more keenly aware of as my critical analysis skills have become more honed, and I've learned more about the troubling history.  I actually knew a guy in one of my singles wards who was an adult convert and came from a long line of Masons.  He said he had no problem with the similarities in the ceremonies, because they both came from ancient sources.  (Of course now I know that's a problematic argument since the Masonic ceremony isn't really all that old.)

I kind of like the idea that the whole endowment is more metaphorical than literal and that the point is to remind us of our covenants.  Still problematic for me, which I'll talk about a little later, but still a better argument than "This is literally what you will need to know to get past the guards at the gates of Heaven".

Despite all of this, I have been thinking that I should go back to the temple and see how it feels now, with my new angst and less starry-eyed view of the Church.  So when I woke up on Saturday morning, I felt excited.  It also seemed like a good opportunity for me because I would be doing exactly what I always liked so much about the temple, which is helping other people have a good experience.

Once we got to the temple (late and full of some drama, which isn't vital to this story, but which was proof to my YW's mom that the adversary was working against us), the first part of the day was lovely.  My YW and her sister were interviewed briefly by a member of the temple presidency to make sure all of their information was correct.  Then we were swept into the dressing room by several women temple workers, who prepped the girls for the initiatories.  I told my YW to listen to the blessings promised and told her that was my favorite part on the day I went for the first time.  Afterward, I helped her get changed into her dress and we all met with an assistant to the Matron, who gave the girls instructions about the garments.

(Note: According to our temple, the new official Church policy is that bras (and regular underwear) can be worn over or under the g's, according the the member's individual discretion.  I don't know if that really is being taught everywhere now, but she said that's how they have been told to instruct.)

Then the endowment session.  Which hit me with a big *clunk*. 

I've been through sessions, if not hundreds, then probably A hundred times, so I know it all pretty well.  Even though I felt moments of peace and what I would call The Spirit, so much of it seemed so odd.  Also, boring.  Also, "hearkening to my husband?"  As so many other women have stated, I don't need an intermediary between me and God, thanks.

My husband confessed to me before we went that it had been years since he had done a session because it just bored him and he thought it was weird.  I could relate to his position on Saturday.  Being there with my YW and helping her made it less boring for me, but when I think about going again and sitting there for 2 hours so bored, I just don't know if I can.

If it is all metaphorical, surely there is a less boring, shorter, and more efficient way to be reminded of our covenants and connect with our ancestors.

Afterward, when we were all in the Celestial Room, hugging and chatting quietly, I felt that peace again.  I truly believe that there is peace to be found at the temple because it's a place set aside as a holy space, for quiet reflection.  I have felt the same sense of the sacred and holy in a beautiful cathedral, and when we were in Ireland a year ago I felt a touch of that at Newgrange.

So like most things related to Church lately, I came away from the temple on Saturday feeling conflicted.  It was mostly a lovely experience.  So that's something, I suppose.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Lesson 28: O God, Where Art Thou

I still need to write about Lesson 26, and I didn't teach Lesson 27 because I was out of town last week, but I wanted to write about this one because it wound up being a really interesting discussion.  I know I'm not going to be able to capture what everyone said, but I want to write about it while it's fresh in my mind.

This was a hard lesson to prepare, not because I thought the church history or the Doctrine and Covenants sections used were uncomfortable, but because it was basically about suffering, and why we suffer.  I read a bunch of blog posts, articles and talks, and watched a couple of TED talks with suffering as a theme. Of course they all had strong lessons of rising above, but immersing myself in other people's pain is hard.  I spent some time crying this week.

I started out, as I always do, with some history, courtesy of Mormon Stories Sunday School.  Basically I read the first page from the Mormon Stories Sunday School reading notes, which itself quotes from Making Sense of the Doctrine and Covenants: A Guided Tour Through Modern Revelations.  The excerpt talks about 1838, which sounds like a rough year for the early Saints.  While Joseph Smith and 5 other leaders languished in terrible conditions at Liberty Jail all winter, the rest of the Saint were driven from Missouri.  It was a lot of text to read aloud, but I wanted to lay the foundation and really paint the picture of how dire things were for the early saints and Joseph Smith.

Then we read D&C 121:1-6, the pleading prayer of Joseph Smith: "O God, where art thou?"

Next, the initial part of the answer, D&C 121:7-10

The goal is to keep the perspective of the eternities.  It's hard to hear "thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment" when we're right in the middle of them.

Our entire Sacrament Meeting had been about the Plan of Salvation, so I referenced that a couple of times and gave this quote from Neal A. Maxwell:
"Trying to comprehend the trials and meaning of this life without understanding Heavenly Father's marvelously encompassing plan of salvation is like trying to understand a 3-act plan while seeing only the second act."
I discussed how that's where we are, in the second act.  The 1st act is the set-up, the 3rd act is the resolution, but the 2nd act is where all the drama happens.

Next we read D&C 122:7-9

The next step in my lesson was going to be talking some about the Savior and how to approach adversity.  But here's where it got interesting.  One woman, who has had a tough year fighting cancer, talked about how the most important thing is not to doubt and to hold onto the iron rod.  To which a man in the back raised his hand and essentially said, "Yeah, I don't agree.  I doubt.  I have a lot of doubts."

Thus ensued an extremely lively discussion about doubt, about whether it's ok to doubt, what does it mean to doubt, etc.  It was fantastic!  I told them all, I have doubts too.  But here I am.

(Later on, I told my husband, "Maybe we should have him and his wife over for dinner and talk about doubting...?")

I said two things that might have ticked off a couple of people, but oh well.

One man (who's now in the Stake YM presidency) talked about how important it is to always remember a couple of things when we have doubts - the church is true and Joseph Smith was a prophet.  As long as you remember that, you can go forward from there.

Ha!  Given the angst I've been having lately about Joseph Smith, I just couldn't let that lie.  So I basically said, I think for some people, you might even need to be more basic than that.  For instance, something as basic as "I believe in a God who loves me," and go from there.

At one point, our former EQ President said something about not thinking that doubt and faith could co-exist.  That we can be inquisitive, but that's different from doubting.

I said flat out that I disagreed with him.  I told him that I liked the nuance of calling it being inquisitive, but I definitely think doubt and faith can coexist.  (He clenched his jaw and didn't seem thrilled about that, and soon left the room, though that may have been completely unrelated.  Hard to say.)

There were so many good comments about how to approach your own personal searching.  I did my best to corral everything generally in the notions of, we're all on our own paths, if we are open to the Spirit we will find our course.

At that point I had 10 minutes left and was way off my lesson plan, but I was so glad we had that discussion.  Discussions like that make it clear that everyone really is at their own spot in belief and faith and, yes, doubt, and we can all learn so much from each other.

So I turned to the end of my lesson and asked, "What's the point?  Why do we have these struggles and doubts?  Why do we suffer?  To use a trite phrase, why do bad things happen to good people?"

I fully admitted that I do not have the answer, at least not a satisfying one.  But I have a couple of ideas.  I think part of it is so that we can be like the Savior.  He suffered and died for us, and he understands like no one else the pain that we go through.  The experiences that we have in our lives give us the ability to look to other people who are suffering and to give them empathy, and to reach out to them.

I read a quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh, as quoted in Neal A. Maxwell's talk "Enduring Well".  First, I explained who Anne Morrow Lindbergh was, and how her 20-month son was kidnapped and killed.  She said:
"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches.  If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers.  To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable."
This is such a powerful lesson. You can suffer, but the goal is to learn through that suffering.  To come through the other side and see your fellow human beings suffering and reach out to them because you understand.

We read Doctrine and Covenant 90:24 and I focused on the phrase "All things shall work together for your good."  All things, both the good and bad, ultimately work for our good. They make us the people who we are.

I closed by quoting a gospel song from the 1950s:
Well, I started out travelin' for the Lord many years ago
I've had a lot of heartache, I've met a lot of grief and woe
But where I would stumble, then I would humble down.
And there I would say, I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now.
I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now.  ITNOJC, Amen.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Priesthood and Gender Issues

On Sunday, Sacrament Meeting was all about Priesthood.  I told my husband thank goodness it wasn't the previous week because I would have just stood up in Sunday School, said "Ditto" and instructed everyone to talk amongst themselves for an hour.  Also, surely the Youth are sick and tired of The Priesthood by now.

Anyway, the final speaker was a guy I like a lot, and have worked with in the Youth program before.   He's married with 3 kids and always seemed to be unconcerned with gender issues, and deferential to my years of experience in YW when he first got called to YM.

However, at the tail end of his talk, he said, "Some people have asked me why women in our church don't have the Priesthood."

'Oh no...", I thought.

My husband and I glanced at each other and husband whispered to me, "Why would he even go there?"

He proceeded to then talk about different roles and how his wife is a better nurturer than him, etc., same old, same old.

I said to husband, "And he's not doing a particularly good job with it..."

We both sat there, a bit uncomfortable.  Thankfully, he finished quickly.

But seriously, why would he go there?  For the people in the ward who are content with women not having the Priesthood, it didn't do anything except confirm their own feelings.  For those of us who are not so content, it was just annoying, patronizing, frustrating, [fill in your own adjective]. 

It's not a satisfying answer to say men and women have different roles.  OK, that's fine, but the problem is, women have no real leadership roles.  Women have no real say in the way the Church is run.  I don't need to be a Prophet(ess), but I would like to know that a woman could.  Just like I don't need to be President of the United States, but I guarantee I will probably shed a tear when a woman is finally elected to that office (no matter how much I gripe about what she does or doesn't do in the following 4 years).

It's not about power, it's about women's voices being heard.  Really heard.  Without the knowledge that any decision made by a woman could be trumped in 5 seconds by a man in a higher position than her because he has the Priesthood.

A lot of people, a lot of liberal people even, will say we need to wait and figure out what Priestesshood means before bestowing it upon women.  That it's not useful to give women a male Priesthood.  While that may be true, it's not my biggest concern.  My biggest concern is equality.  As long as women do not have the Priesthood, institutional gender inequality will be a part of the Church at its most basic level.

In other religions male and female pastors and priests do not minister in the same exact ways.  (For that matter, 2 individual people of the same gender do not minister in the same way.)  I'm sure there were some growing pains in those churches when women were first ordained, and there probably still are in more conservative circles.  But the point is, all opportunities are open to women in those churches.  I want a church where I am equal, not separate but equal.  I'm so tired of the linguistic gymnastics that are required to explain (not very well) why "preside" doesn't really mean "preside".  Somehow saying a man presides, or a man is the head of the household, doesn't mean the man has the final say and the man is in control?

I call BS.  That's exactly what it means.  And some bad men have taken that so seriously that they have become domineering tyrants with their Priesthood.

I realize those men are not using their Priesthood correctly, but when I have enlightened female friends of mine getting involved with good Mormon boys who DO think that Priesthood means they are in control, even here in the liberal northeast, then I start believing those sorts of power grabs and unequal relationships are more common than I think.

In our Church we're taught that men have the Priesthood and women do not.  Men preside and women do not.  Men can be prophets and women cannot (except, you know there were prophetesses in the Bible, right?). 

I've noticed the inequality more and more as I progress in my career.  In the real world, men and women are finding a way to treat each other as equals.  There is still a long way to go and things are by no means perfect, but I am respected for my work and my intellect regardless of my gender.  I have been in rooms where I am the only woman or one of a few women and have felt treated as an equal.  If I work hard enough, I could be a Partner, a CEO, a President.  The glass ceiling exists, but at least it's not institutionally enforced like it is in the Church.

I fully admit I don't know what Priestesshood means.  Part of me thinks there shouldn't even be a delineation in duties, because it would be a way to throw the feminists a bone, but keep real power in the Priesthood, rather than in both the Priesthood and Priestesshood.  Like, for example, in this past General Conference.  Yes, 2 women prayed (whoopty doo.  Part of me marveled at how ridiculous it was that we were so excited that 2 women said a prayer in Conference).  But then a lot of the rest of Conference was spent telling the feminists to simmer down.

Yeah, that's how you lose people.  That's why the Church is hemorrhaging members, particularly young female members who have been raised in a post-feminist society where they can be whatever they want to be.  Except at Church.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Gospel Doctrine Lesson 25: Priesthood, The Power of Godliness

I told my husband recently that even though being the sole Gospel Doctrine teacher can be a pain and can be tricky with my current Church issues, for the first time ever, the 2nd hour of church is interesting to me.  Maybe everyone else is bored, but since it's my show, I have to be on for the whole hour.  As a pretty solid introvert, it's definitely never boring for me.  Exhausting, yes.  Boring, no.

That said, I warned him that this week's lesson would probably be pretty boring.  I took a very standard approach with this lesson, even utilizing the manual for some bits (shocker!).  I blame the fact that we were out late Saturday night.

First, I put the timeline of the restoration of the Priesthood and the offices of the Priesthood from the manual on the Board, then went through it quickly with the class.  One thing I've noticed more and more is how true the "line upon line, precept on precept" concept is (And now you have that Saturday's Warrior song in your head.  You're welcome.)  Really, though, with this Priesthood restoration timeline, or the Word of Wisdom implementation and enforcement timeline, it seems that there really is an order to things and that God's expectations of us are gradual and measured.

(The cynical side of me whispers, "It's just more bureaucracy and an effort to more fully control the members!".  Or "They're just trying to cover their tracks when they realize something doesn't work/want to exert more control!"

At this moment in time, I prefer to be optimistic, so I'm going with the line upon line explanation.)

Next, we talked about the differences between the Aaronic and Melchizedek Priesthoods, and the responsibilities of each (D&C 107:1-6, 8, 13-14, 18-20).  I then broke the class into groups of 2 or 3 and had them read scriptures and then teach the rest of the class about the responsibilities of the offices of the Priesthood, from Deacon to Prophet.  The manual suggested we do this for the First Presidency, Quorum of the 12, and the Seventies, but I thought it would be good to discuss for all of the offices.  As a non-Priesthood holder, I realized that I'm not really aware of the duties of the various offices.  I figured that my class of mainly recent converts probably wasn't either.

After that, we read and briefly discussed the oath and covenant of the Priesthood (D&C 84:33-44), and then the lovely verses in Section 121:34-46 about the responsibilities of the Priesthood (ie, serve others, no unrighteous dominion).

So that was it.  Pretty plain vanilla.  At the end I bore my testimony of Priesthood holders who really do magnify their Priesthood.  I talked about how in our ward especially I have had so many opportunities to observe men who take the responsibilities of the Priesthood and truly serve others and do their best to act on behalf of God.  I talked about the examples that they are to me.  ITNOJC Amen.

I feel that as a middle-class white woman from a traditional nuclear family it has really been a learning experience serving in my ward, mostly made up of people below the poverty line, immigrants in various stages of legality, and many single-mom households.  At times it has been exhausting, but I know there are many men in the ward (my bishop for one) who give everything they can to help others, and I believe those men really do see their Priesthood as a call to serve. 

Of course, the women in the ward also do the same.  I guess that's just because we women are angels already and don't need to Priesthood to inspire us, right?

I found myself thinking about the feminist issues as I prepared for this lesson.  Someone in one of the alterno-Mormon Facebook groups I belong to challenged those of us who had this lesson this week to counter any Motherhood/Priesthood comparison with the question, "But what about Fatherhood?"  Since I'm the teacher, initially the thought of doing this made me feel queasy.  I'm vocal about my confusion and doubts to a very select few people, and I felt like saying something like that would cross a line into an uncomfortable place that I'm not quite sure I want to go to yet.

Also, my father-in-law (from Utah!) was visiting...

I thought about it a lot during the week, and finally decided that I would be comfortable saying essentially the following if the comparison came up: "That comparison doesn't sit well with me, because it leaves out the role of fatherhood. We have a Heavenly Father, not a Heavenly Priesthood-holder. I think that fatherhood is just as important as motherhood. Also, it's problematic because not every worthy woman has the opportunity to be a mother, but every worthy man can be ordained to the Priesthood as young as age 12. Some women never have children because they either don't have the opportunity to get married, or due to issues of infertility, or myriad other reasons. Ultimately, I think the answer to the question of 'why don't women have the Priesthood' is, we don't know. The Church has been set up in this fashion for now, and that's the system we operate under."

I also thought about throwing in examples of women giving healing blessings in the early church, or mentioning that in the temple women do use the Priesthood, but wasn't sure I felt comfortable with that.
In the end, the issue never came up.  Of course, as the teacher, I could have steered it that way, but I really wanted to verge on controversy only if it came up organically.  My ward is pretty apolitical and most of the political issues involving the church aren't even on most members' radars.  I should have figured it wouldn't matter, but I'm proud of myself that I came to a point personally where I would have been comfortable saying something a little rebellious, something slightly scandalous.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Gospel Doctrine Lesson 24: Be Not Deceived, but Continue in Steadfastness

Wow, did I hate this lesson upon first reading.  Basically, this lesson asks us to talk about the reasons people leave the Church and get all judgey about how silly those people are, while we shake our heads and make tsking noises at their shortsightedness.  Seriously, 2/3 of the lesson asks us to talk in painful detail about well-known apocryphal stories from Church "history", highlighting the myths that people leave because of pride, because they're offended, or because they want to sin.

Except, the stories in this lesson are either not true, or at the very best could be called half-truths.  

And, of course, the lesson doesn't express the real reasons people leave the Church, because that would mean actually talking about those reasons. (A friend of mine told me she used some information from the Why Committed Mormons Leave presentation, and I really need to ask her for details about how that went down.)

I put a lot of thought into what I would teach because I knew I needed to get outside of the manual and figure out a different direction to take in order to not feel like a complete hypocrite by the time I was done teaching.  My first stop was the Mormon Stories Sunday School blog and podcast, where I printed off a bunch of talks, plus the reading notes that Jared Anderson prepared (Thank you!).  After reading through the materials, I decided rather than talk about apostasy, I would instead talk about discernment and personal revelation.  It's really not a big leap, given the actual scriptural texts in the lesson, and it was something I felt comfortable doing.

If you're looking for a more direct discussion about deception and apostasy, without skirting the issue like I did, fmhLisa prepared a great lesson outline for By Common Consent.

I wrote out my lesson in meticulous detail, because I wanted to stay focused and I didn't have a printed lesson to rely on. (Also, there are a couple of very vocal people in the class who don't always stay on topic, so I wanted to make myself a clear road map.)

Since I started teaching Gospel Doctrine a few weeks ago, I always like to start with a little history to place things in context.  I read the following,which I poached from the Mormon Stories Sunday School reading notes, after first explaining that Levi Hancock was a recent convert to the Church:


Then one day three elders—Edson Fuller, Heman Bassett, and Burr Riggs—visited the home where Levi was working. He had not met them before. They preached and baptized in the area. Then the three elders began receiving revelations and seeing angels while falling down and foaming at the mouth. Burr Riggs jumped up and down, swung from the roof's crossbeams for a few minutes, and then fell down as if he were dead. After an hour or two he awoke and prophesied about what he had seen while unconscious. Edson Fuller fell down and Heman Bassett imitated a baboon. He testified that an angel had given him a revelation, and he read it to his companions. Levi was confused. These things seemed ungodly to him, but he had never experienced such dramatic manifestations. He concluded that perhaps he was not as pure as the other elders. He didn't dare question them for fear that would be doubting the Holy Ghost. Similar experiences continued through the winter of 1830 and 1831. Oliver Cowdery had led his missionaries to Missouri. Joseph remained in New York. He had sent John Whitmer to preside over the hundreds of new converts in Ohio. Even so, they lacked experience and leadership, and it showed. Whitmer was bewildered at what he found: Saints pretending to fight with Laban's sword or sliding across the floor like snakes, saying they were on their way to preach the gospel to the Lamanites. When he returned from Missouri, Parley Pratt visited the branches of Saints in Ohio and saw some swoon, fall into what he called "ecstasies," make unnatural gestures, and claim revelations and visions that did not teach anything sanctifying. "In short," Parley wrote, "a false and lying spirit seemed to be creeping into the church." He recognized that this infection had occurred while the Church in Ohio was without discerning leadership, between the time he and his companions left and Joseph arrived. Harper, Steven C. (2010-11-01). Making Sense of the Doctrine and Covenants: A Guided Tour Through Modern Revelations (Kindle Locations 3229-3255). Deseret Book Company. Kindle Edition.

I discussed these odd manifestations briefly with the class, and highlighted that Levi Hancock didn't question them initially, even though he felt uncomfortable, because he was new to the Church and thought the other men knew better than him how to discern things of the Spirit.

Then we discussed Joseph Smith's resulting inquiry and the revelation of Doctrine and Covenants Section 50, which has the following introduction:


Revelation given through Joseph Smith the Prophet, at Kirtland, Ohio, May 9, 1831. Joseph Smith’s history states that some of the elders did not understand the manifestations of different spirits abroad in the earth and that this revelation was given in response to his special inquiry on the matter. So-called spiritual phenomena were not uncommon among the members, some of whom claimed to be receiving visions and revelations.
We read verses 1-24 of Section 50 as a class, which is a big chunk of scriptures, but important to the idea of discerning the things of God.  Then I pointed out that all of the members of the Church who experienced these manifestations were probably good people, who thought they were being guided by the Spirit.

The big question is, how do we know what is good and what is evil?  Or, how do we know what is good and what is better?  How do we know the things of God?

I opened these questions up to the class, who responded with answers like prayer, scripture study and the Holy Ghost.  I then read the following quote from President Uchtdorf:


"You actually have a powerful companion and trustworthy guide in this ongoing search for truth. Who is it? It is the Holy Ghost. Our Heavenly Father knew how difficult it would be for us to sift through all the competing noise and discover truth during our mortality. He knew we would see only a portion of the truth, and He knew that Satan would try to deceive us. So He gave us the heavenly gift of the Holy Ghost to illuminate our minds, teach us, and testify to us of the truth. 
The Holy Ghost is a revelator. He is the Comforter, who teaches us “the truth of all things; … [who] knoweth all things, and hath all power according to wisdom, mercy, truth, justice, and judgment.” 
The Holy Ghost is a certain and safe guide to assist all mortals who seek God as they navigate the often troubling waters of confusion and contradiction. 
The Witness of truth from the Holy Ghost is available to all, everywhere, all around the globe. All who seek to know the truth, who study it out in their minds, and who “ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, [will know] the truth … by the power of the Holy Ghost.” 
And there is the additional, unspeakable Gift of the Holy Ghost available to all who qualify themselves through baptism and by living worthy of His constant companionship."
We had just had a confirmation in Sacrament Meeting an hour before, so I was able to point that out and discuss receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost.  
Next, we read Moroni 7:15-17 and discussed testing our choices by the results they give.  Does something ultimately bring us closer to Christ?  Then that's the path to follow.
Question: What do we need to do to receive personal revelation?  How can we prepare ourselves to receive personal revelation?
D&C 112:2-3, 10 (Have humility)
Ether 12:27 (Have humility and faith, acknowledge our own weaknesses)
D&C 64: 8-10 (Forgive others, be in the proper frame of mind to be open to the Spirit)
Quote from Elder Nelson:
"To access information from heaven, one must first have a firm faith and a deep desire. One needs to “ask with a sincere heart [and] real intent, having faith in Jesus Christ.”   “Real intent” means that one really intends to follow the divine direction given. 
The next requirement is to study the matter diligently. This concept was taught to leaders of this restored Church when they were first learning how to gain personal revelation. The Lord instructed them, “I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.”
Finally, I circled back to the Levi Hancock story about the visions of some of the early members of the Church.  Some of those members claimed to be receiving revelation for the Church as a whole.
D&C 43:1-3, 5-6 (Only the prophet can receive revelation for the Church as a whole)
Per Elder Oaks, Joseph Smith said, when asked how he could govern such a diverse group of Saints, "I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves."
Elder Oaks goes on to say:
"As a General Authority, I have the responsibility to preach general principles. When I do, I don’t try to define all the exceptions. There are exceptions to some rules…. But don’t ask me to give an opinion on your exception. I only teach the general rules. Whether an exception applies to you is your responsibility. You must work that out individually between you and the Lord."
I'm not saying we should look for exceptions to rules.  However, Heavenly Father knows us best.  He knows our own unique circumstances.  If we take our concerns and struggles to Him, He will help us.  I truly believe that Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to turn to him, even in all of our imperfections, rather than just give up.  We can take our struggles and questions to Him in prayer, and He will help us discern the things that are good and of God.  ITNOJC, Amen.

So, yeah, not too much about personal apostasy.  But I felt good about this lesson as I was writing it and as I taught it.  A couple of people came up to me afterward and told me they enjoyed it, so I figure that's a good sign.  We're supposed to teach to our class, right?  That's what I'm trying to do.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Church Background

I thought I should share a little about my chronology within the Church.  There is this perception, I think, that the people who question and the people who fall away are the weakest and never really had much of a testimony to begin with.  I've had my ups and downs, but overall I've been a tithe-paying, church-going, temple-attending, leadership calling-holding, faithful Mormon for the majority of my life.  I'll get more into the details of my struggles in other posts, but my lifelong allegiance to and service in the Church is part of the reason why it's so hard to just walk away, even as issues pile on top of one another.

My parents joined the Church when I was about 2 years old and I grew up Mormon in one of the very Mormon states in the west.  When I was 13, my mom was hospitalized and went through some tough therapy regarding abuse she faced when she was a little girl, and, consequently, she took a step back from church and didn't attend again through the remainder of my junior high and high school years.  She was always supportive of me and my dad going to Church, though, and I attended regularly and graduated from Seminary. 

I went to a different high school than the other people in my ward, so I didn't feel particularly close to the other Young Women in my ward.  I didn't go to Girls' Camp except for the first year, and I didn't finish Personal Progress (but I was really close).  I had some great Young Women's leaders during that time, but most of my connection with the Church was through Seminary at my high school and the good friends I made there (also, my amazing freshman and sophomore year Seminary teacher.  Really, he was fantastic!)  Seminary was a solace to me.  I loved the Spirit I felt in that little building where I was surrounded by friends, and accepted even though I once confessed that I was pro-choice, and if I could have voted in 1992, I would have voted for Clinton.  Scandalous!

Most of my close friends in high school were not Mormon, but they all knew I was, and they could be very overprotective of me, because I had this reputation of being the unsullied churchy girl.  (That made it even more hilarious for them when I broke out with a dirty joke now and again.)

My dad stopped attending church after I graduated from high school.  Over the next 10 years or so, my parents would pop into their ward occasionally and feed the missionaries regularly, but weren't what you would call faithful churchgoers.  That has changed now.  They've both had health issues, my mom's very serious, and they've gone back to Church both for the social and the financial support.  I am very grateful for all their ward does for them because I live about 1,000 miles away from them and we have a ... strained relationship.  I know their ward does a great job looking after them.

I stopped attending Church for a year and a half or so in college, but then I went back with a vengeance and was soon called into the Relief Society Presidency in my university ward.  At that time, I could truly say that being at Church was where I was happiest.

During my senior year of college, my project for the Honors College was a paper on women in the early Church, using personal autobiographies collected from local Mormons as texts to analyze both as literature and as historical records.  It was while I was doing that research that I was introduced to writers and historians like Laurel Thatcher Ulrich and Claudia Bushman.  I learned things I didn't know about women in the early Church, like how they used to basically administer in the Priesthood, or the power that they had, even while living under polygamy.  I loved the experience I had immersing myself in these women's lives.

Through graduate school I was active and held various callings in my singles wards, leadership and otherwise.  I had the good fortune of being in a pretty progressive singles ward, where the Bishop created a leadership calling for a woman to hold simply because he wanted another woman's voice in addition to the Relief Society President in his Priesthood Executive Committee meetings.  I was that additional woman for a couple of years and had some great experiences working closely with the leaders in that ward.  I also worked in the temple for 2 years while I was in grad school, and I relished my time in that peaceful place.  I do have qualms about the temple, but I also feel that it is a place dedicated to God, and there is peace there.  At least there always has been for me.

A couple of years after grad school, I got married and moved to an inner-city family ward with a lot of struggles, and a lot of heart.  I served in the Primary for a year or so, and then was the Young Women's President for a few years.  It was a very hard, but very wonderful calling, and I still try to reach out to my girls on a regular basis so they know I love them and am here for them.  Now I teach Gospel Doctrine and here we are.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

What's This All About?

I’ve been thinking for a very long time about starting a blog to discuss my feelings about the Mormon Church, which is what this will be.  It's also going to be a discussion of navigating my newish calling in the Church as a Sunday School teacher. 

See, I grew up in the Church, but over the past couple of years, I've had growing feelings of disaffection and confusion about my place within it (or outside of it). After years working with the Young Women (girls ages 12-17), I'm now teaching Sunday School. This year we’re studying the Doctrine and Covenants, a series of revelations written by Joseph Smith (and a couple of other early presidents of the Church), which is tricky for me to teach and still feel like I’m maintaining my integrity, to say the least.

Last week, I threw out the lesson completely and did my own based on the scriptures, and a little guidance from Mormon Stories Sunday School.  My plan here is to discuss the lessons I teach, but also talk about Church issues as they come up and I need an outlet to discuss them.  Like a good Mormon, I'm journaling, even through the crappy bits.
 
As I explained to a friend once, my issues with the Church cannot be boiled down to one or two problems, but are rather everything on top of everything. 

Everything on top of everything.

My list is not uncommon for those who, like me, have done a little research and found some unsettling things in Church history.  I always knew about polygamy.  It was talked about fairly often when I was in Young Women’s 20 years ago, but for some reason was easier to dismiss when I didn’t have all of the other issues on top of it.  Also, I didn’t know then about the polyandry and Fanny Alger.  Other issues that bother me include: Book of Mormon historicity, Book of Abraham, varying versions of the First Vision, racial bigotry, Masonic rituals.

More recently, I have felt my soul chafing under gender inequality, the Church’s support of Proposition 8 (and their petulant response to the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Defense of Marriage Act), and the ridiculous extravagance of projects like the City Creek Mall (especially while my inner-city Young Women’s program was operating with a tiny annual budget, supplemented by me and the other YW leaders).

Given all of that, it’s hard to believe that this is the One True Church.  I’ve actually reached a point where I don’t even think that is a thing anymore.  I think there are very good people in the Church, and I have had the opportunity over the last several years to work with some really amazing people, who give their all to serving others.  I have felt what I truly believe is the Spirit confirming to me when things are good and of God, and I’ve felt that many times in the Church.  I’ve also felt it in other churches and other sacred spaces.
 
My husband feels a lot of family pressure not to leave the Church, ever.  I'm not really to the point of leaving yet either.  Frankly, some weeks are worse than others.  Some weeks I just want to scream and run out of the chapel because the cognitive dissonance is too much to bear.  Some weeks I'm glad I'm there and content with my little ward community.
 
It's confusing being in my head right now, so I'm writing about it.