Going to the Temple

On Saturday I had the opportunity to go to the temple as the escort for one of my fantastic former Young Women who is leaving on her mission next month.  Her sister went through at the same time and it was such a nice experience being there with them.  I felt so incredibly honored that she asked me.

For the briefest moment I hesitated, though, because of my issues with the Church in general.  Truth be told, I hadn't been to the temple in awhile, except to shepherd youth to do baptisms.  I actually worked in the temple for 2 years, and have a lot of good feelings associated with the temple.  When I went through for the first time, my favorite part was the initiatories (and this was pre-revisions).  I had no problem with what went on, but just felt extremely blessed.  The endowment was also a positive experience for me, and I left that first time bubbling over with a happy feeling.

I got very interested in genealogy and have a stack of blue and pink slips of paper representing my ancestors.  I don't really think that I literally need to have their work done for them.  However, I love the idea of creating this connection across many generations of my family.  As I've become more cynical about Church and the need for temple work, one of the things that has given me cause to mourn has been the loss of the urgency to do this work and connect with my ancestors.

The 2 years I worked in the temple wound up being such a saving grace for me.  A few weeks after my first shift as a temple worker, my longtime boyfriend and I broke up.  Plus, I was having a really hard time in graduate school, not exactly sure what I was doing there.  Working in the temple 2 Saturdays a month gave me a solid 10-12 hours where I could get out of my own head and focus on the patrons at the temple.  I saw that calling as an opportunity to ensure that the people I came into contact with were having a stress-free, uplifting experience.  In the process, I felt uplifted too.

There are, of course, problematic issues in the temple, which I have become more keenly aware of as my critical analysis skills have become more honed, and I've learned more about the troubling history.  I actually knew a guy in one of my singles wards who was an adult convert and came from a long line of Masons.  He said he had no problem with the similarities in the ceremonies, because they both came from ancient sources.  (Of course now I know that's a problematic argument since the Masonic ceremony isn't really all that old.)

I kind of like the idea that the whole endowment is more metaphorical than literal and that the point is to remind us of our covenants.  Still problematic for me, which I'll talk about a little later, but still a better argument than "This is literally what you will need to know to get past the guards at the gates of Heaven".

Despite all of this, I have been thinking that I should go back to the temple and see how it feels now, with my new angst and less starry-eyed view of the Church.  So when I woke up on Saturday morning, I felt excited.  It also seemed like a good opportunity for me because I would be doing exactly what I always liked so much about the temple, which is helping other people have a good experience.

Once we got to the temple (late and full of some drama, which isn't vital to this story, but which was proof to my YW's mom that the adversary was working against us), the first part of the day was lovely.  My YW and her sister were interviewed briefly by a member of the temple presidency to make sure all of their information was correct.  Then we were swept into the dressing room by several women temple workers, who prepped the girls for the initiatories.  I told my YW to listen to the blessings promised and told her that was my favorite part on the day I went for the first time.  Afterward, I helped her get changed into her dress and we all met with an assistant to the Matron, who gave the girls instructions about the garments.

(Note: According to our temple, the new official Church policy is that bras (and regular underwear) can be worn over or under the g's, according the the member's individual discretion.  I don't know if that really is being taught everywhere now, but she said that's how they have been told to instruct.)

Then the endowment session.  Which hit me with a big *clunk*. 

I've been through sessions, if not hundreds, then probably A hundred times, so I know it all pretty well.  Even though I felt moments of peace and what I would call The Spirit, so much of it seemed so odd.  Also, boring.  Also, "hearkening to my husband?"  As so many other women have stated, I don't need an intermediary between me and God, thanks.

My husband confessed to me before we went that it had been years since he had done a session because it just bored him and he thought it was weird.  I could relate to his position on Saturday.  Being there with my YW and helping her made it less boring for me, but when I think about going again and sitting there for 2 hours so bored, I just don't know if I can.

If it is all metaphorical, surely there is a less boring, shorter, and more efficient way to be reminded of our covenants and connect with our ancestors.

Afterward, when we were all in the Celestial Room, hugging and chatting quietly, I felt that peace again.  I truly believe that there is peace to be found at the temple because it's a place set aside as a holy space, for quiet reflection.  I have felt the same sense of the sacred and holy in a beautiful cathedral, and when we were in Ireland a year ago I felt a touch of that at Newgrange.

So like most things related to Church lately, I came away from the temple on Saturday feeling conflicted.  It was mostly a lovely experience.  So that's something, I suppose.