Perspectives

Yesterday I had lunch with a Jewish friend of mine and as we discussed researching our own genealogies, she asked me about Holocaust victims having work done in the Mormon temple.  She was trying to be diplomatic about it, and I think I helped the conversation when I said, "As someone probably on her way out of the Mormon church, I can tell you I think it was really offensive." 

She pointed out to me that in the couple of years we've known each other I've never said that I was "on my way out."  I've talked with her a few times about my issues with the Church, in an explanatory fashion, because I've never been a typical Mormon and she personally has a couple of reasons to be offended by things the institutional Church has done.

She said, "You've never said it like that before.  And I'm sorry, my friend."

Because she recognized that it is a loss, and it is sad, even though it's also freeing and positive.  That meant a lot to me.

We continued to talk about the Holocaust victims issue and before I could say it, she said, "On the one hand, I am upset by it.  On the other hand, if you think that you're saving people, I can understand why they would do it."

First of all, how charitable of her to recognize that the motivations behind that incident may not have been solely based in pride, but also in love for what Mormons see as their spiritual brothers and sisters.

This is also my perspective of Mormons in general.  I think there are motivations at the institutional level that may not be as pure, but I think in most wards, when they talk about and push missionary work, they're talking about saving souls.  One of the reasons I am reticent to be up front with too many people about how I feel about the Church is because ultimately I know it will make them sad, and wonder what they could have done.

To which I would want to say, Really, everyone, I'm fine.  I promise.

Which is why I'm mostly quiet about it.  Maybe my comfort with being quiet and being affiliated with the Church will change, but for now, I'm okay with serving and not making a big deal about how I feel.

Like A Weight Lifted

I have experienced an unexpected side effect since talking with my bishop last week.  The lifting of guilt.  I didn't even realize how much guilt I carried until I set it down last week and walked away.  Guilt over having a cup of coffee sometimes, guilt over not wearing my g's, guilt over feeling like a hypocrite.

For the last while, probably for 2 or 3 years, I've been wrestling with the Church's place in my life.  While I struggled and questioned and wondered, I put on a happy face at church, taught lessons, held callings, and no one would have guessed that I had any issues at all simmering just beneath the surface.  The cognitive dissonance was painful and overwhelming at times.  My brain hurt trying to reconcile each new fact I learned about Church history, or how I felt as a woman in the Church, or how much I hated the Church's political opposition to gay marriage.

Last week, I admitted out loud that I just don't believe in Joseph Smith and the Restoration to someone besides my husband and my former Mormon friends, and I finally felt like I was being authentic.  Granted, no one else in the ward knows, but I don't really feel the need to proclaim my beliefs (or lack thereof) to everyone.  I can continue to serve and be friendly with people and it doesn't matter what goes on inside my head.  What does matter is that I don't feel that pressure anymore to conform to some rules that I don't think are necessary.

I feel like I'm giving someone the perfect ammunition for saying, See! She just wanted to sin!  But that's not it.  It's not that I wanted to break the rules, it's that the rules didn't make sense for me anymore when they were made up by someone or something that I don't believe has any real authority over my life.

I was just reading in one of the Mormon feminist Facebook groups as someone railed against another asinine Church policy that won't allow adult men and women to be alone together, and I realized how I suddenly don't feel as invested in the fight.  Yeah, I will comment about how stupid it is, and roll my eyes, but it's not causing me pain anymore.  I don't have to cringe and wonder how to place this stupid thing on my shelf and make excuses in my head for why it makes sense because these rules come from the highest level of the Church so there must be a reason.  Instead, I observe and I move on, because I don't feel like I have to defend the Church anymore.