Before I was released as Young Women's President, sometimes I worried that saying I was having a faith crisis and feeling disaffected from the Church was just a cop out on my part. Like maybe the real reason I was pouring over the inconsistencies of Church history, or studying the problems with scripture historicity, or fretting about women's roles and the Church's involvement with political movements, was because I was so worn out driving Young Women and planning activities that I was just looking for any excuse to get out.
Well, I can safely say that's not the case. I haven't been Young Women's President for about 5 months, yet my issues with the Church remain. I kind of figured, but it's nice to know for sure that I wasn't just looking for an excuse.
Because in reality, being with the Young Women energized me. I might have dragged my feet sometimes to get out the door to go lead a Wednesday night activity, but I always noticed that at some point in the middle of the activity, as I was giggling along with the girls about something silly, I felt happy to be there, and revived by their spirits. It wasn't always hearts and flowers, but I loved those girls a lot (still do) and thrived on their energy.
And I'm still looking for ways to serve them. Last night, one of the girls came over to get SAT math tutoring from Husband. While they worked on math problems, I started making her a grid of all of the colleges she wants to apply to and the pieces that we need to pull together for those applications so that we can keep track of everything. Her mom is from Peru and doesn't speak English and wouldn't know where to start with trying to get her daughter into college, as much as that's exactly what she wants for her. So we're here to step in and help.
I'm planning care packages to send to my YW at BYU and her sister who is on a mission.
So, yeah, as worn out as my ward can make me, and as ready as I was to be released as Young Women's President, that's not anywhere near the heart of my crisis with the Church as an Institution. I still want to serve, and I'm excited about the new opportunities I'll get as a member of the Relief Society Presidency (even if sometimes I might get tired and complainy). I have seen truly Christ-like service occur in our ward. I'm just a little skeptical of the motivations of the institutional Church.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
New Calling
I feel like I just got called to be Gospel Doctrine teacher. Oh wait, I did (just a few months ago). I think Bishop ranks Sunday School teacher right above, maybe, Greeter, in importance in callings. He seems to think it's not a hard calling at all, and it always gets easily pushed aside when he thinks someone should be in a more important (on his scale) calling.
So yesterday I got called to be the Relief Society 1st Counselor, which apparently in our ward is the counselor over Enrichment, which...I don't even know what that means. It used to be Homemaking and now it's Enrichment, but I don't think regular Enrichment activities happen anymore, right? Being in Primary for 2 years and YW for 4 years means I no longer have any idea how Relief Society works.
(I told Bishop that over 10 years ago I was the Homemaking counselor in my university ward to which he said, "Pssh, you're not that old." Thanks, Bishop. Actually, I got called to be Homemaking counselor 16 years ago, so the moral of the story is, I'm old.)
I'm meeting with the RS President tomorrow night to discuss what it is I'm supposed to do. Against my unofficial Calling Difficulty Gauge, with YW President as a 10 and 27th member of the Welcoming Committee as a 1 (my last calling in my giant YSA ward), I expect this to fall around a 4 or so. I rank being the sole Gospel Doctrine teacher as a 6, possibly a 7 during this year of Doctrine and Covenants.
So I said yes. Later I asked Husband if I was being a hypocrite given my issues with the Church and he said he didn't think so. My ex-Mo friend who is very supportive of wherever I happen to be at the moment, articulated it better when she texted me that as far as issues go, RS Counselor is pretty good because it's mostly helping and planning, right?
True. Teaching Gospel Doctrine has been tricky, particularly this year. If we had been studying the New Testament, no problem! But I got thrown into D&C, and having to wrestle with Joseph Smith and now Brigham Young and all of the issues there, without being a complete hypocrite to my class and lying through my teeth every week has been a challenge. As much as I dreaded this calling, it's actually wound up being a really good period of learning for me as I try to figure out how I feel about things. I actually gained a little respect for Brigham Young this week. As much of a misogynistic tyrant as he was, the man had organization skillz!
But helping and planning? That I can do! The whole helping and service aspect of the Church is one of the major things that keeps me there. Yeah, I get annoyed when I feel taken advantage of, but I love genuinely being able to help someone with something they need. For instance, one of the YW is coming over this week to get SAT help from me and Husband. Something like that, where you feel like it matters and isn't just bureaucratic busywork, that's good stuff!
Bishop said to me yesterday to think about what I wanted to do about my Gospel Doctrine calling. I know he wants me to keep teaching through the end of the year, because in our ward a new calling doesn't necessarily mean you get released from your old calling. Also, for some reason, Bishop doesn't think being the sole Sunday School teacher is a hard calling. I mean, it's not hard, but it is time-consuming. I spend several hours every week preparing my lesson, and I teach EVERY week, and if I'm not going to be there, which I'm usually not at least one Sunday a month, I have to try to track down a sub, which can be quite a feat. Whenever I tell anyone rational that I'm the only teacher, they think that's insane. Don't know why Bishop doesn't see that.
So for the moment, I have 3 callings (I'm also Sacrament Meeting chorister. That might be a 0 on the Difficulty Gauge...) I think I'm going to tell Bishop I'll teach through the end of the year, but only part-time, meaning, get me a co-teacher, stat! He may just decide if he's going to call a co-teacher, he might as well just call a new teacher and be done with it, so we'll see.
So yesterday I got called to be the Relief Society 1st Counselor, which apparently in our ward is the counselor over Enrichment, which...I don't even know what that means. It used to be Homemaking and now it's Enrichment, but I don't think regular Enrichment activities happen anymore, right? Being in Primary for 2 years and YW for 4 years means I no longer have any idea how Relief Society works.
(I told Bishop that over 10 years ago I was the Homemaking counselor in my university ward to which he said, "Pssh, you're not that old." Thanks, Bishop. Actually, I got called to be Homemaking counselor 16 years ago, so the moral of the story is, I'm old.)
I'm meeting with the RS President tomorrow night to discuss what it is I'm supposed to do. Against my unofficial Calling Difficulty Gauge, with YW President as a 10 and 27th member of the Welcoming Committee as a 1 (my last calling in my giant YSA ward), I expect this to fall around a 4 or so. I rank being the sole Gospel Doctrine teacher as a 6, possibly a 7 during this year of Doctrine and Covenants.
So I said yes. Later I asked Husband if I was being a hypocrite given my issues with the Church and he said he didn't think so. My ex-Mo friend who is very supportive of wherever I happen to be at the moment, articulated it better when she texted me that as far as issues go, RS Counselor is pretty good because it's mostly helping and planning, right?
True. Teaching Gospel Doctrine has been tricky, particularly this year. If we had been studying the New Testament, no problem! But I got thrown into D&C, and having to wrestle with Joseph Smith and now Brigham Young and all of the issues there, without being a complete hypocrite to my class and lying through my teeth every week has been a challenge. As much as I dreaded this calling, it's actually wound up being a really good period of learning for me as I try to figure out how I feel about things. I actually gained a little respect for Brigham Young this week. As much of a misogynistic tyrant as he was, the man had organization skillz!
But helping and planning? That I can do! The whole helping and service aspect of the Church is one of the major things that keeps me there. Yeah, I get annoyed when I feel taken advantage of, but I love genuinely being able to help someone with something they need. For instance, one of the YW is coming over this week to get SAT help from me and Husband. Something like that, where you feel like it matters and isn't just bureaucratic busywork, that's good stuff!
Bishop said to me yesterday to think about what I wanted to do about my Gospel Doctrine calling. I know he wants me to keep teaching through the end of the year, because in our ward a new calling doesn't necessarily mean you get released from your old calling. Also, for some reason, Bishop doesn't think being the sole Sunday School teacher is a hard calling. I mean, it's not hard, but it is time-consuming. I spend several hours every week preparing my lesson, and I teach EVERY week, and if I'm not going to be there, which I'm usually not at least one Sunday a month, I have to try to track down a sub, which can be quite a feat. Whenever I tell anyone rational that I'm the only teacher, they think that's insane. Don't know why Bishop doesn't see that.
So for the moment, I have 3 callings (I'm also Sacrament Meeting chorister. That might be a 0 on the Difficulty Gauge...) I think I'm going to tell Bishop I'll teach through the end of the year, but only part-time, meaning, get me a co-teacher, stat! He may just decide if he's going to call a co-teacher, he might as well just call a new teacher and be done with it, so we'll see.
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