Church Background

I thought I should share a little about my chronology within the Church.  There is this perception, I think, that the people who question and the people who fall away are the weakest and never really had much of a testimony to begin with.  I've had my ups and downs, but overall I've been a tithe-paying, church-going, temple-attending, leadership calling-holding, faithful Mormon for the majority of my life.  I'll get more into the details of my struggles in other posts, but my lifelong allegiance to and service in the Church is part of the reason why it's so hard to just walk away, even as issues pile on top of one another.

My parents joined the Church when I was about 2 years old and I grew up Mormon in one of the very Mormon states in the west.  When I was 13, my mom was hospitalized and went through some tough therapy regarding abuse she faced when she was a little girl, and, consequently, she took a step back from church and didn't attend again through the remainder of my junior high and high school years.  She was always supportive of me and my dad going to Church, though, and I attended regularly and graduated from Seminary. 

I went to a different high school than the other people in my ward, so I didn't feel particularly close to the other Young Women in my ward.  I didn't go to Girls' Camp except for the first year, and I didn't finish Personal Progress (but I was really close).  I had some great Young Women's leaders during that time, but most of my connection with the Church was through Seminary at my high school and the good friends I made there (also, my amazing freshman and sophomore year Seminary teacher.  Really, he was fantastic!)  Seminary was a solace to me.  I loved the Spirit I felt in that little building where I was surrounded by friends, and accepted even though I once confessed that I was pro-choice, and if I could have voted in 1992, I would have voted for Clinton.  Scandalous!

Most of my close friends in high school were not Mormon, but they all knew I was, and they could be very overprotective of me, because I had this reputation of being the unsullied churchy girl.  (That made it even more hilarious for them when I broke out with a dirty joke now and again.)

My dad stopped attending church after I graduated from high school.  Over the next 10 years or so, my parents would pop into their ward occasionally and feed the missionaries regularly, but weren't what you would call faithful churchgoers.  That has changed now.  They've both had health issues, my mom's very serious, and they've gone back to Church both for the social and the financial support.  I am very grateful for all their ward does for them because I live about 1,000 miles away from them and we have a ... strained relationship.  I know their ward does a great job looking after them.

I stopped attending Church for a year and a half or so in college, but then I went back with a vengeance and was soon called into the Relief Society Presidency in my university ward.  At that time, I could truly say that being at Church was where I was happiest.

During my senior year of college, my project for the Honors College was a paper on women in the early Church, using personal autobiographies collected from local Mormons as texts to analyze both as literature and as historical records.  It was while I was doing that research that I was introduced to writers and historians like Laurel Thatcher Ulrich and Claudia Bushman.  I learned things I didn't know about women in the early Church, like how they used to basically administer in the Priesthood, or the power that they had, even while living under polygamy.  I loved the experience I had immersing myself in these women's lives.

Through graduate school I was active and held various callings in my singles wards, leadership and otherwise.  I had the good fortune of being in a pretty progressive singles ward, where the Bishop created a leadership calling for a woman to hold simply because he wanted another woman's voice in addition to the Relief Society President in his Priesthood Executive Committee meetings.  I was that additional woman for a couple of years and had some great experiences working closely with the leaders in that ward.  I also worked in the temple for 2 years while I was in grad school, and I relished my time in that peaceful place.  I do have qualms about the temple, but I also feel that it is a place dedicated to God, and there is peace there.  At least there always has been for me.

A couple of years after grad school, I got married and moved to an inner-city family ward with a lot of struggles, and a lot of heart.  I served in the Primary for a year or so, and then was the Young Women's President for a few years.  It was a very hard, but very wonderful calling, and I still try to reach out to my girls on a regular basis so they know I love them and am here for them.  Now I teach Gospel Doctrine and here we are.

What's This All About?

I’ve been thinking for a very long time about starting a blog to discuss my feelings about the Mormon Church, which is what this will be.  It's also going to be a discussion of navigating my newish calling in the Church as a Sunday School teacher. 

See, I grew up in the Church, but over the past couple of years, I've had growing feelings of disaffection and confusion about my place within it (or outside of it). After years working with the Young Women (girls ages 12-17), I'm now teaching Sunday School. This year we’re studying the Doctrine and Covenants, a series of revelations written by Joseph Smith (and a couple of other early presidents of the Church), which is tricky for me to teach and still feel like I’m maintaining my integrity, to say the least.

Last week, I threw out the lesson completely and did my own based on the scriptures, and a little guidance from Mormon Stories Sunday School.  My plan here is to discuss the lessons I teach, but also talk about Church issues as they come up and I need an outlet to discuss them.  Like a good Mormon, I'm journaling, even through the crappy bits.

 

As I explained to a friend once, my issues with the Church cannot be boiled down to one or two problems, but are rather everything on top of everything. 

Everything on top of everything.

My list is not uncommon for those who, like me, have done a little research and found some unsettling things in Church history.  I always knew about polygamy.  It was talked about fairly often when I was in Young Women’s 20 years ago, but for some reason was easier to dismiss when I didn’t have all of the other issues on top of it.  Also, I didn’t know then about the polyandry and Fanny Alger.  Other issues that bother me include: Book of Mormon historicity, Book of Abraham, varying versions of the First Vision, racial bigotry, Masonic rituals.

More recently, I have felt my soul chafing under gender inequality, the Church’s support of Proposition 8 (and their petulant response to the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Defense of Marriage Act), and the ridiculous extravagance of projects like the City Creek Mall (especially while my inner-city Young Women’s program was operating with a tiny annual budget, supplemented by me and the other YW leaders).

Given all of that, it’s hard to believe that this is the One True Church.  I’ve actually reached a point where I don’t even think that is a thing anymore.  I think there are very good people in the Church, and I have had the opportunity over the last several years to work with some really amazing people, who give their all to serving others.  I have felt what I truly believe is the Spirit confirming to me when things are good and of God, and I’ve felt that many times in the Church.  I’ve also felt it in other churches and other sacred spaces.

 

My husband feels a lot of family pressure not to leave the Church, ever.  I'm not really to the point of leaving yet either.  Frankly, some weeks are worse than others.  Some weeks I just want to scream and run out of the chapel because the cognitive dissonance is too much to bear.  Some weeks I'm glad I'm there and content with my little ward community.

 

It's confusing being in my head right now, so I'm writing about it.